I really wish I was watching television. Seriously, life is entirely too busy and too demanding right now. On top of classes, and kids schedules, and work, and wife-things, and mom-things, I have this blog I haven’t touched in weeks. And I have three separate blog post ideas that have been rattling around in my head for awhile. I even took pictures for one about three weeks ago! I need to get them out but I would much rather be watching television. Television doesn’t require thought. I don’t have to process anything; I can sit on a comfortable couch and zone out and let someone else do my thinking for me. Having someone else carry the mental load for even a short while would be bliss.
But something is holding me in this chair, forcing me to write. To interspect. To explore what’s happening inside me right now in the midst of all the busyness and chaos of life, like a raging battling that no one sees but me.
Life has been a whirlwind these last few weeks. Classes started, thrusting me into my ‘junior’ year at college (although, I’m technically a senior) and immersing me in my program. Overnight, college got super-intense. I guess it’s because I’m now at the point where everything I’m doing is relevant to my future career. The first week or two of classes were filled with seriously high levels of stress and a lot of crying. But somewhere along the way the stress disappeared; something inside me shifted.
Suddenly, I quit worrying about not being good enough. Suddenly, almost overnight, I quit beating myself up. I know of two things that seemed to be connected to this change. First, a conversation (read: arguement) with Shane about me always criticizing and complaining about how horrible I think I’m doing. Second, an academic article a professor gave me that discussed Self-talk. Ultimately, I know God orchestrated these things and much more to bring me to this place, but that’s another post; one of three rattling around in my head.
You see, there’s still a lot of personal scarring I’ve been trying to work through and suddenly I find myself standing on the edge of a major breakthrough. I can feel it coming and it’s both exciting and terrifying. Some things have been buried for a seriously long time. Ugly things. Things that have shaped my life; shaped who I am and why I react to things the way I do. And I think it’s finally time to face those ugly, life-changing monsters. I think I’m going to be surprised at what I find. I’m sure there will be a few things buried that I thought I’d already dealt with.
The amazing thing that shifted inside me this month is that I’ve discovered that it’s ok to love myself exactly the way I am. If you’ve read any of my blog posts or know me even slightly more than by acquaintance, you know I’ve struggled to lose weight for most of my life and struggled to keep it off when I have lost it.
So, I’d like to share with you that I’m pretty sure I’ve gained some of the weight I lost during Whole30. I say pretty sure because I haven’t weighed myself in a long time but my pants are getting a bit snug again. I’d also like to tell you that I don’t care.
I DO NOT CARE WHAT MY WEIGHT IS.
I never imagined those words coming from my mouth. I think I may make that my next tattoo. I looked in the mirror yesterday and thought I looked really good in the outfit I chose. I didn’t cringe when my husband come in while I was changing and saw me naked. I even straightened up a bit so he could get a better view. I wanted him to see me because I finally see me and I don’t hate what I see. I like me; Fat and all.
For the first time in my life, I see me. I see who I am instead of looking inward and only seeing all the parts of me that I wish were different. I like who I am. I’m strong and capable and smart. I’m passionate and hard-working. I’m so many really great things that I never noticed because I was so busy focusing on all the things I am not.
Stepping into the deepest parts of my buried past and dealing with the things I’ve let control my thinking for so long isn’t going to be easy. I expect my triggers will be super-sensitive for awhile. I expect I’ll be a whole new level of emotional for awhile. And I expect I’ll self-medicate with food a few times throughout the process.
But I won’t be alone. And I will get through it.
And I’ll discover so much more about myself. It’s been a long time coming, this step in the healing process, but as in all things, His timing is perfect.