I’m feeling a bit whiny today and I don’t like myself much when I’m in this mood because really, I mean, what do I really have to be whiny about?
Not much in truth but here I am.
Summer feels like it is going too quickly and I have no control over its direction. Since returning home it has been one commitment after another, every single day. I want downtime. I want to tackle the projects around the house I waited all semester to have time to do.
I’ve started a second job, one where I get to dictate my own hours except that I have this feeling that if I’m not involved in another commitment I need to be on the schedule to pick up hours. Which would be fine, I guess, if the pay was worth what I was putting into it; worth what I am giving up for it. I think I’m just going to have to pick two or three days a week and make those the days I work and leave it at that.
I did really well in France, emotionally. I didn’t introvert. I socialized constantly, even if only one-on-one at times. I immersed. I didn’t cry once, even when I was frustrated and exhausted. Now that I’m home, I want a break; a reset. I’ve come so far in the last year as far as personal growth and healing. I can handle so much more before needing a break but I do still need the break at times. I’ve also come farther in what a break entails. I don’t need to go hibernate away from everyone for a few days like normal; I don’t shut down and retreat into myself anymore. I just want the freedom to be home for a few days tackling projects, cleaning, organizing; basically a few days of feeling like I’m actually in control of something.
And so I’m a bit whiny today.
It doesn’t help that I’m still eating foods that I shouldn’t. Mostly dairy in the form of ice cream. I know, I know. I really do know better. I should never have eaten dessert in France (except maybe that one chocolate mousse that was absolutely worth every bite). It didn’t trigger full addiction-binge-mode but I do find myself wanting sweets everyday. I can still walk away from a dessert half-eaten once I’m full (which still amazes me!) but I’m struggling to say no to it in the first place. I’m tired and stressed and so my go-to is to self-medicate. In the past it was alcohol and nicotine and then it was caffeine and sugar. I’ve come a long way from who I used to be; overcoming addictions, shattering comfort zones, learning to love myself and be okay with who I am. But life, and healing, is a never-ending journey and it’s time to adjust my path again.
I’ve set a new start date for another Whole30 for the Monday after Father’s day. I need more work on saying no to sweets and I want to keep the weight-loss momentum going. And honestly, since coming home, I’m just NOT eating. Coffee, does not a breakfast make and lunch needs to consist of more than an apple while I’m running out the door to get Seth from VBS. It’s definitely time to get back on track.
So there we are.
And since I don’t really want to be whiny, I’m going to cheer myself up by leaving you with all of these selfies from France; both the good and the bad (and the really bad!) Two of the hottest weeks (minus the last few days) I’ve experienced this summer with no AC and no flat-iron worked well to dispel any vanity I may have had. And you’ll have to forgive my inability to truly smile in pictures. I’m crazy-insecure about my not-so-great teeth. I’m working on it but you know…one thing at a time.