Day Twenty-two: Wednesday, March 29, 2017
Last night when I got home from work and finished taking my shower, I glanced in the mirror and thought, “you do not look like you’ve lost ANY weight. You’re fooling yourself thinking you have.” It was a bit discouraging, really. The truth is, I see the difference in my face and arms. I see the difference in that my stomach isn’t so bloated all the time. But other than that, I really don’t see a lot of difference. Yesterday, I was excited to see my ‘after’ results, etc. Today, I’m a little discouraged. This is the nature of the battle I’ve been waging for as long as I can remember.
I think deep down, I’m hoping this Whole30 will finally be the ‘miracle diet’ I’ve been looking for. The things that makes the weight melt off of me with little effort on my part. Every part of me knows this isn’t going to be the case, but deep, deep down…
Before I go on, let me say that yes, I want to lose weight because it is impacting my health. My back, my knees, my hips, all are in pain every day and losing weight will help that. But I’ve struggled with body image issues all my life, long before I gained weight, long before I started having issues that the weight aggravated. I want to have a healthy body weight. It’s not even a certain number on a scale I’m shooting for. I want to have a weight that is in the middle of my healthy BMI range.
But as importantly, I want to lose weight because I’m tired of hating myself and the way I look. I know losing weight isn’t going to totally change my body image issues. I’ve actually been working a good bit lately to try and love myself, my body, for what it is and not what I want it to be. It’s a slow road. Some days, like yesterday, start out good and then take a turn. Some days are not good days. But the bad days are less frequent.
I also want to lose the weight because I am living an unhealthy, painful life.
The truth is, I did this to myself. I know Whole30 talks about how the role of food in society keeps us overweight, such as even when we think we are consuming ‘healthy’ foods, it’s not healthy in a way our body needs. How everything is so overloaded with super sugars and our brains are so overwhelmed with it all we’re basically addicting ourselves to the overstimulation. And I agree with all of their logic and science – with how I feel after only 21 days, it’s hard not to agree. But the bottom line is that I still did this to myself. It’s not in my nature to put all the blame on someone or something else. If it was all their fault, everyone in the world would be overweight. We all know that’s not true. I have to take responsibility for my own actions. And it was me who got me where I am today.
I caved into pressure to eat out all the time, to give up my healthier eating habits (almost 4 years ago, I was within 10lbs of my healthy BMI. 21 days ago I was 50lbs away from my healthy BMI), I quit going to the gym and working out. I added sugar back to my diet after 6 months without it. I did this to myself. So now I have to be the one to work at undoing it.
My Whole30 doesn’t end on day 30. This is about getting me healthy all over, not just hitting a number on a scale. This is about being able to look in the mirror and be content, happy even, with my body and myself. This is about being able to enjoy life and not constantly complaining of exhaustion and pain. This is about LIVING.
I have to be honest, though. Even though I still have quite a bit of weight to lose, I actually FEEL better now than I did 4 years ago. Even back then I was having back, hip, knee, and gut problems. Being off the sugar helped my emotions balance out and I had more energy, but overall, I was still in a mild state of pain most of the time. Now, after only 21 days of eating like I am – with NO exercise (this is important because typically, not exercising causes me to be stiff and in more pain) – my knees no longer hurt. Before, I could barely touch the inside of my knees they hurt so much. Now touching them is only mildly painful. Weight loss or no, I am definitely seeing improvement.
It blows my mind to think than something as simple as just eating meat, veggies, and fruit (as well as NOT eating sugar, milk, and bread) could have such an impact on my health.
I talk about weight a lot because losing the weight is important to me but it’s also important not to forget that weight is not the only part of me that is being healed.
Now, I just need to start exercising. I’m actually wanting to. It feels like my body wants to. Like I have all this extra energy I have to do something with. I really did plan to start this week when I started back to class, but then kiddo got the flu. I know, I should just do a workout dvd or something, but gosh, how I hate them. I’m dying to get outside and go for a walk.
Speaking of kiddo, he is now fever-free for 24 hours and has been released from quarantine. He’s happy to be allowed out of his bedroom (but within 30 mins he was back in there watching TV. He still doesn’t feel great). Now I get to go strip and fumigate it. If we can make it to the weekend with no one else getting sick, all my efforts at containment will have paid off.