Day Nineteen: Sunday, March 26, 2017
Woke up hungry this morning and it annoyed me. I still don’t care for this having to eat first thing in the morning but I’m happy with how the plan is going, so I suffer through it. I made homemade pork sausage yesterday and it was excellent. A little heavy on the spice, which I will adjust next time, but really good and full of flavor. Definitely going to be doing more of it.
Seth woke up with a fever this morning. He just can’t seem to shake this crud. So him and I are home from church which is frustrating. Today is the Sunday I usually go to the ASL-interpreted church service. 😦
I guess with us stuck at home, it’ll be nice to spend the evening with Hubs. He’s been super busy this week and I haven’t seen him as much as I would have liked. I’m not happy that Seth is sick or that we missed church, but I’m not upset that we’ll get to spend some quality time together.
Tomorrow I start back to classes. Life will start getting crazy all over again. Only 5 more weeks until the semester is finished. I am so ready to put this semester behind me. I’m looking forward to summer and having more time at home. I got a good bit done this week around the house but there is so much more to do.
As I’m getting closer to the end of my 30 days, I’m trying to figure out what eating like this long-term is going to look like. My family is definitely not going to put up with this for too long after my 30 days without issue. ‘After Whole30’ is going to be an adjustment for everyone. I still remind them that this doesn’t just go away after 30 days and they say they understand but the reality of things like this is far different than the idea. It’ll be hard for them to have to deal with me when they want to spontaneously go out to eat somewhere that offers little alternatives for me. And it’ll be hard for me to withstand the pressure to just eat bad and make them happy. I think the first month or so will be fine as I’m dropping the weight and staying busy preparing for the trip to France but afterwards, when life settles down more and we have the time to splurge is when it’ll really hit home. I know to them, my not being able to eat like they do almost feels like punishment because then they can’t just go eat like they want when I am with them. They want to support me but doing so won’t always be fun.
Or I could just be borrowing trouble.
On a side note, I’m PROUD of myself for making it this far into the program. I made it through my days of second-guessing. I made it through my desires to step on the scale (so happy I didn’t do it), I made it through the temptation to make dessert, snack-type foods with Whole30 compliant ingredients. I’m proud of myself because I did the entire program in full, the physical and the psychological portion, and I feel amazing. Even when food looks good, I don’t crave eating it. I’m not hungry all the time. My entire digestive system isn’t miserable all the time. My joints are so much better, it’s amazing. I don’t crave sugar anymore. I don’t feel controlled by food. I don’t eat and then crash and feel terrible afterwards. I don’t feel unsatisfied even when eating a less than amazing meal. I’m thinking clearer. I’m sleeping better. My skin looks AMAZING; better than it’s looked ever.
This program is strict and it takes discipline (a commodity I typically don’t have in abundance) and it’s definitely not something to do half-way or anything less than 100%. But if you can do it 100%, the benefits are worth every minute of it. At this point, I don’t want to reintroduce anything back into my diet. The foods I had listed earlier, I don’t even care anymore if I eat them. Even ice cream. I don’t want it. I don’t crave it. And I definitely don’t want it bad enough to suffer for it. At this point, the only thing I want to introduce is seed oils, so that I can eat out with Hubs, and corn because my family really likes corn and because having corn chips will add a variety of meals to our home dinners that will make eating healthier easier for my family.
Any time I’ve ever done anything that required a disciplined effort, I’ve always failed within a week or two unless it was handed to me by God. I did a 30-day sugar fast once, that I only did because I felt led to. Trust me, I’ve tried fasting sugar hundreds of times without success. But that one time, I did it. I truly believe that this Whole30 was handed to me in answer to a prayer I’ve been praying for the entirety of my Christian life. “God, please help me overcome my food addiction. Please break the chains. Please give me the discipline to lose this weight. I don’t want to hate my body. I’m tired of being disgusted with myself. I don’t want to feel like a failure all the time. Please help me be disciplined.”
For me, Whole30 is the answer to prayer. It’s the tool that is being used to break the chains that have been holding me down for as long as I can remember. Yes, it’s about better health. Yes, it’s about being able to move without pain and eat without pain. Those are the reasons I started the program. But it has become so much more. It’s about breaking addiction and not being a slave to food. It’s about the next step in healing in a long line of personal healing that God has brought me through. As trite as it sounds, I can’t help feeling like the weight that I am losing, physical and psychological (emotional), is like the cocoon falling away and I am emerging as a new, more beautiful me. I have been fighting to do this for as long as I can remember. I didn’t suddenly just wake up one day and have the discipline to do it. This was God, Who gave me His strength in my weakness. Whole30 is just a tool, although an excellent one, but it was God who gave me the strength to use the tool and I praise Him and thank Him every day.